Dwania Duhaney-Millen
How have you been feeling? Do you feel angry at your spouse? Do you feel like you married the wrong person? Do you feel that your spouse is just not making you happy, that he or she doesn’t care how you feel? Do you feel like giving up, throwing in the towel and walking away?
If you answered yes to any or all of those questions, then, I first want to say to you I that am really sorry to hear you have been having a bad experience in your marriage. I also want to say to you that God cares deeply about your marriage, more than you know. I hope this blog post encourages you to continue the journey with God to a healthy, healed and whole marriage.
What is Marriage?
In order to understand the way forward, let us go back to the origin and Originator of marriage– God. In Matthew 7: 24-27, we get God’s construction plan for life:
24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
Let me ask you, with what materials did you build your house? With what materials are you building your house? If you want to build a house (more specifically in this case, marriage) in the future, what materials are you planning to use?
God points us to the right material for building a solid house and that is the Word of God. If there is superficial or scant regard for God’s Word in a person’s life, the house is in serious trouble. It is God’s Word that keeps a house from sinking, nothing else. When the winds of trouble, temptation, persecution, tribulations and afflictions blow against that house, God’s Word keeps the house from crumbling. When the house is built on sand, it will inevitably crash under pressure.
Let us examine ourselves. Did we build on God’s Word or were we building with something else? Some people build their house on good sex, money, and even education, and while God is present in the building process, he is not the concrete; he is more like the decoration that is slapped on after the process is done.
In Genesis 2:21-25, we get God’s blueprint plan for marriage:
21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
23 The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”
24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
We can find a couple important truths in this Genesis 2 passage, but we will extract two of them:
- God is the Creator and Designer of marriage, not humans and no other god. Marriage is God’s idea.
- A man and wife who have been joined by God has become one whole entity– one unique body joined together by God
One of the implications of these two truths is that for us to have a marriage that will be prosperous and blessed, we must do marriage God’s way, by God’s design. My husband is an architectural designer, and when he draws a plan, the builders must follow his drawing for the house to be made correctly. I have seen a few houses spoilt because the construction workers chose to ignore measurements and design. When they ignore the plan, they even build staircases leading to nowhere.
In the same way, when we deviate from the Master’s plan for marriage, we are sure to build a house that will not stand. Psalm 127: 1 tells us this explicitly:
“Unless the Lord builds the house,
the builders labor in vain.”
The second implication is that since God has joined man together and they are one flesh, the married couple is one body, and this means that whatever pain one is feeling in the marriage, both will suffer. It means then that separation within the body is bound to be painful and leave lifelong scars. Consequently, when there is hurt within the body, the whole body feels it. If there is an infection, the whole body is affected. What is causing the fever in your body- your marriage? Is there something that God needs to heal? Is there an infection in the heart? The eyes? Search your body.
It’s time to make a diagnosis!
We can draw the conclusion, based on God’s architectural plan, that marriage was not ultimately designed to make us happy; it was skillfully designed by God to train us in holiness and godliness in a covenant that glorifies Him. Happiness is the blessing when we follow the plan. It is a side-effect of obedience and cooperation with the Holy One in our marriage. When we do not cooperate with his instructions, we find that what we are building continues to fall apart, and we put ourselves under extreme strain during the process. Unhappiness results.
Divorce- This fake cure for a hardened heart.
Jesus Christ spoke to the “one flesh” design when he addressed the question about divorce which was posed by the Pharisees in Mark 10. He pointed out that Moses’ permission to divorce the spouse came because of their hardended heart.
2 Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
3 “What did Moses command you?” he replied.
4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”
5 “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. 6 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’[a] 7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,[b] 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
When Jesus was asked about divorce, Jesus made his diagnosis: “It’s because your hearts were hard.” The Healer spotted the sickness, and then he pointed back to God’s original design: “they are no longer two, but one flesh”. Finally, Jesus gave his response to the hard-hearted Pharisees: “…”what God has joined, let no one separate.” We simply do not have God’s permission to divide, sever, render, tear apart what God has put together.
Jesus made his diagnosis: “It’s because your hearts were hard.” The Healer spotted the sickness…
So, what now?
Since divorce is not the cure for a hardened heart, what do we do now? It means that the infection in the marriage needs to be healed. Divorce is a quick-fix to a hardened heart, but it is not the cure.
It means that we must stop looking at our spouses as the enemy and fight the real enemy. It means we must stop looking at the conflicts in our marriages as mere Earthly “issues” and start being vigilant about what the “prince of the power of the air” (Ephesians 2:2) is doing and start pursuing our Heavenly Father for answers and healing in our marriages.
Marriage is a spiritual union, a godly plan for the family coming down from our Heavenly Father, so its matters must be handled with a Heavenly perspective, not an Earthly one. Perhaps our marriages are not healed because we have have fighting the wrong enemy in the wrong field. We have been shooting arrows at our spouses, piercing them through with daggers because we believe they are the enemy.
Let me ask all the Children of God who read this post: What about sin, the flesh, the world and the devil? What are the realities of these things in your own marriage? Are those only concepts in a book or church-talk? How might any of these enemies to faith in God be affecting your marriage? The fact that you’re married means that you are susceptible to the temptations presented by any of these things. Nobody’s marriage is exempt because the devil has no exceptions. Spiritual battle is as much a part of Christianity as hoping to make it into Heaven is. You must fight!
Spiritual battle is as much a part of Christianity as hoping to make it into Heaven is. You must fight!
It is time to fight the enemy that is fighting your marriage. (1 Peter 5:8). We must keep a watchful eye over our marriages and not fall asleep. It is tempting to shut down when marriage gets hard, but it is the time to get alert, assertive, to wake up to see what the enemy is doing to us, our spouses, our children and our marriage.
How do you win the battle for your marriage:
- You must crucify your flesh and resist temptation. (Galatians 5:16, 24)
- You must die daily to the flesh and choose to walk in the Spirit. (Romans 8:5, 12:1)
- You must humble yourself before God and your spouse. (Phillipians 2:3)
- You must pray instead of relying on your own strength. (Proverbs 3:5-6; Matthew 26:41)
- You must obey God’s Word instead of your own opinion and worldly ideologies. (Romans 12:2)
- You must love your spouse! Choose them instead of yourself and think of them as better than yourself (Phillipians 2:3)
- You must engage God in the secret place as Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:16-18.
Are you willing to do that to preserve the covenant you entered into? Are you willing to do this to preserve the testimony of Christ in your life? Are you willing to put in the work?
If you’ve never gone to war before, the conflicts in your marriage are inviting you into one. You cannot afford to be angrier at your spouse than you are at what the devil is doing to you and your family.
You cannot afford to be angrier at your spouse than you are at what the devil is doing to you and your family.
So I’m not Happy!
When we enter into marriage, we initially walk into it with joy. At that entry point, the feelings are sweet and the love is almost tangible. For a while, marriage is blissful. Then you begin to realize that this person is a human being and not an angel afterall. You love them dearly and deeply care for them, but they have issues, just like you, and they are prone to sin just like you. Your happy dreams might start to seem like an illusion.
The thing is, you entered into marriage, not salvation. In other words, as wonderful as marriage is, it was not designed to be the source of your joy or to keep you happy. Marriage doesn’t bring salvation; it is a tool for progressive (practical) sanctification. Yes, marriage is a place which allows you to grow to be more like Jesus. In marriage, we grow in all kinds of ways! We must ask ourselves how God expects us to grow spiritually? What if we have been focusing on growing in all other kinds of ways, except in the area that matters most to God, our sanctification?
Marriage doesn’t bring salvation; it is a tool for progressive (practical) sanctification.
So let us be on guard against the enemy of our souls who comes to kill, steal and destroy. Let us put marriage in the right perspective and place, as a representation of the glorious union of Christ, the groom, with his bride, the church. Let us look to Him for help and wisdom, so he can bring healing to our marriages through us as we yield ourselves as vessels for sanctification and holiness.
Dwania Duhaney Millen 