6 Secrets Your Married Sisters Want to Tell You but Won’t. Shhhhhhh!

by Dwania Duhaney-Millen

When I was younger and desiring marriage, I would always hear women say “Marriage is hard.” When I would inquire what was so hard about it, I would be met with a shrug of the shoulders, so I never really got a full explanation of some of these hard things that women would experience. Of course, I knew it would not always be a bed of roses, but I at least wanted to know what kinds of thorns people could experience in marriage. So here are some of the things single women should know before they tie the knot. 

1. Marriage shows up all your faults. 

Marriage requires you to share your space, ideas, time, body with someone else. Of course, all kinds of insecurities and selfish desires will come rising to the surface as disagreements pop up in marriage. Of course, prior to marriage, perhaps in the courtship season, you thought you were an angel- an absolutely innocent being that had no real flaws. You were not angry, you were not selfish, not jealous at all,  you were not sensitive and you most definitely were not impatient. That is, until you got married and you discovered that you absolutely hate when the toilet seat is left up, that you hate your husband’s choice of movies, you didn’t like the way his church sister hugged him after service, and a million other silly things get on your nerves. You think your husband is the problem until you realize that of the things you are grumbling about are inconsequential and that you have some ways about you that you need the Lord to fix. These are faults in you that you never knew were there before marriage. In Jamaica we say, “Si mi an cum liv wid mi a two diffrent suppn.” (To see me and come to live with me are two different experiences).

2. Marriage requires you to change. 

As a result of these faults that you have as well as your husband, for the marriage to work, it will require you both to change. Looking back now, I suppose this is what my friends found to be the hardest part of their marriage, because it is one thing to recognize the fault, but it is a totally different thing to change the habits and ways of being that we have embraced for so long. No marriage will work out if both parties decide to continue on the same path. It becomes a tug of war, and the wife hopes that the husband will concede while the husband wishes the same since nobody wants to seem like the weaker one. This is why couples should know, honor and obey the Word of God, because submission to Christ as the Head will bring much healing in these situations. 

3. Sex either gets better or worse as time goes by.

Our marriage counsellor told us that sex, money and communication were the top three reasons for divorce, so we might as well talk about sex. Before marriage, there are many sexual temptations surrounding a relationship but in marriage a couple has to cooperate in order to make intimacy meaningful, comfortable and enjoyable. If either party has a challenge, it will certainly affect their sexual intimacy. If both are in a bad mental and emotional place, it will also affect intimacy. Sex and intimacy can therefore go on the decline if the couple is not communicating properly or is having other challenges. On the other hand, for intimacy to increase, the couple has to take deliberate steps for this to improve, so this takes work. You may have assumed enjoyable romantic and sexual pleasure is naturally occurring in every marriage, but in reality, intimacy does not come by osmosis and expectation, it takes deliberate effort. Additionally, both parties are supposed to communicate their sexual needs in order for the intimate relationship to improve, so going into marriage with a tainted view of, fear of or unrealistic expectations of sex can be very damaging.

4. You make decisions differently.

Many single women are quick to throw away their singleness because of loneliness without realizing that in marriage, decision-making comes with a different set of rules and expectations. To help you overcome loneliness in the single season, check out my YouTube video below.

In marriage, you cannot just spend as you please, go where you please with whom you please. In marriage, communication is key. Husbands and wives have to always discuss before decisions are made, and they are responsible for each other. As single women, we took ourselves wherever we wanted whenever we wanted. We stayed out as late as we wanted, and we shopped as much as we wanted, but as married women, we must communicate our movements and plans. This is not because our husbands are controlling, but because it helps us to protect each other, coordinate plans and meet our goals for the marriage. It might sound overbearing to unmarried people, but people in healthy marriages find out that this is very helpful.

5. There are no such things as secrets.

Except in exceptional cases such as medical, legal or in the case of counselors, there are no secrets in marriage. There is no secret stash of candy, no secret bank accounts, no secret messages, no secret crushes, no hidden parts of the past. For there to be a healthy marriage, everything must be out in the open. There shouldn’t even be secret grouses and hurts. In a marriage, it is essential that you protect the trust that you have in the union and discuss with each other all the things that are affecting you and your marriage. 

There are no secrets in marriage.

6. They either wish they had waited or thank God they had waited!

Marriage can force people to do a lot of reflection because people either miss their single days or thank God that they are now married. Many married women go around warning singles not to get married because they are afraid these women will end up like them- miserable and hurting. There are those on the other hand who encourage marriage because they would have taken the time to prayerfully enter the union, and it has resulted in much joy and peace. One secret some married sisters won’t tell you is that for them, marriage is either a sigh of relief or a sigh of regret. Choose wisely. 

You can avoid the pitfalls of a wrong relationship. My book Not a Single Shade of Grey has all the advice you need to help you break the cycle of regret and pain. Grab your copy today on Amazon or email me at dwaniamillenauthor@gmail.com.