Dear Single Sister: My 29-YEAR JOURNEY OF SINGLENESS (PART 2)

by Dwania Duhaney-Millen

In today’s post, we’re continuing from Part 1 of the journey.

I had just entered into my first bout of confusion— a relationship I was uncertain about— when I petitioned God for an answer. I was twisted inside. I liked the guy, but I was not sure I liked him. He was what I prayed for, but was not sure God had sent him. I was a Christian, but he was not, and as immature as I was in my walk with God, I was not willing to give up my faith to be with someone. Although the guy had not asked me to, I felt in my heart it was going to be more of a matter of me letting God go by the choices I would have to make than me being told to walk away from God. For me, that was not in the plan. Was any relationship worth leaving God for? In my mind, no. But that was the source of the confusion. I wanted what I wanted. I wanted to be with the guy, and I wanted God. I felt however that I could not have both this time around, so I went to God about it.

I just wish I had been studying the Word. Looking back now, it would have saved me a whole lot of wasted time. At the time I had been reading an Oswald Chambers devotional Bible which had the Old Testament and the New Testament running adjacent. I had been falling asleep over this Bible for weeks, but I took it up now. As I knelt at my bedside with tears running down my cheeks, I spoke directly to God about my situation. I had never heard from God before, but I believed He would speak to me because other people had said he spoke to them. My prayer was simple:

Dear God, I don’t know what to do. I am so confused about this relationship. I like the guy, but it doesn’t feel right. I need you to talk to me about this right now. I don’t want to wait another day, and I don’t want to guess at what you are trying to say to me. I know you speak through your Word. I have this Bible infront of me, so when I open this Bible, I want you to tell me exactly what you want me to know right now! I don’t want to have to search or anything. Show me exactly what you want to say. Amen

I gingerly opened the pages of the Bible.

It opened to Luke 22:24-46. Verse 31-32 spoke directly to me:

“Simon! Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you that he might sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.”

In the Old Testament, across from that passage, there was Psalm  55: 21 which read:

“The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, But war was in his heart; His words were softer than oil, Yet they were drawn swords.”

Nobody could tell me that that was not clear direction from God about what I was experiencing. My interpretation at the time was basically God saying to me Dwania, the devil has asked for you that he might destroy your life but I (Jesus) have prayed for you that your faith will not fail and when you have returned to me, strengthen other people. This person has come into your life and has been sent by the enemy to separate you from me although his words are sweet.

I cried so hard. I called the guy and told him it could not work out because God did not want me to be in this relationship. He laughed and laughed.

The CONQUEST

I started to realize that as a young woman, it is easy to become a conquest for a man. If you are not aware of yourself and the game that you are in, you can easily fall prey to the hunter who is chasing you.

God said what he said to me. It should have been extremely clear, and for a while I paid attention. My attitude was like: Yeah, you aint gonna get me ye old devil! But after a while the resistance wore off. My flesh had more influence over me at the time. I was weak, and I did not want to be lonely. This relationship was the dominant of all the others, and I would break it off only to find myself back in the mix again, feeling like I was disobeying God and putting myself and my destiny in danger. I tried everything I could to leave, but I always wound up with the person. I prayed, I cried, I fasted, I spun around in circles and shouted Jesus, I sang worship songs…I could never seem to be free.

Until one day, I got tired, and I did something any truly tired person going in the wrong direction would do.

Read Part 3 of MY 29-YEAR JOURNEY OF SINGLENESS in our next blog post! You might as well subscribe. Haha! See you on the next side.