Dwania Duhaney-Millen
The praise team sang greeting songs and we joyfully made our way happily towards one another giving out hugs and smiles. My 26 year-old self was pulled in by an old lady who drew me to herself and whispered into my ear: “Mi aggo find a nice young man fi yuh inna di new year.” (I am going to find a nice young man for you in the new year). I felt the shame wash over my face. Apparently, in her mind, I had been single for too long and now needed a man. This was an area of personal struggle, so her words stung me back then. For some people, singleness can seem like a leprosy because singleness implies that you are either not wanted, you want nobody or that you cannot be found- that you are alone, but today, I want to share with you the truth- what singleness IS and what singleness is NOT as a way of helping you embrace this time of your life.
Singleness is not a Sin.
Firstly, Singleness is not a sin. Rather, according to 1 Corinthians 7:7 it is a gift! The Apostle Paul says “But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.” He points out that God gives the gift of the single life to some, and the gift of the married life to others. In the rest of the chapter (1 Corinthians 7), Paul exhorts the believers to view singleness as a time to be devoted to the Lord’s work stating: “An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him…In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit.” It is therefore important to note that the time of singleness is valuable time to be occupied in the purpose for which God has called you. It is not a regrettable condition that the believer finds him/herself in – one that feels like a burden of shame and guilt- but it should be a time full of service for the Lord.
Personally speaking, I reflect now on the amount of free time I had as a single woman to read my Bible, pray and spend time with the Lord, and I see how much different it is now with the demands of life, career and family needs. Embrace this time! Now is the time to explore your talents, join that choir, join a ministry team, teach a Sunday School class, start something, do all that God has put in your heart or take a hold of the opportunities before you to be in service and devotion to the Lord! Perhaps therefore, the single person who finds singleness as a stress-filled, depressing period of life should stop looking so much as themself and start looking outward for ways to serve. Are you too self-focused rather than God focused?
Singleness is not a sickness.
Secondly, singleness is not a sickness. There is nobody in the Bible who needed to be healed of singleness. It sounds funny, but whatever the ailment is that you are having, you can be sure that it is not caused by singleness. You do not need to be cured of singleness, although perhaps, you feel the pangs of loneliness. Loneliness is a feeling that many single people struggle with, and it is understandable. Glenn Madieros asked: “Why do I seem to be caught up inside a dream? All my life, it’s always been my shadow and me? Lonely won’t leave me alone.” And you might be feeling like this as a single person. I know I did for a long time especially in my teen years and early twenties.
As a Christian girl going to youth fellowship and church events, some friends of mine felt I was too churchy and not very outgoing, so they suggested that I go clubbing and even wanted to take me to the club one night. Another time, they suggested going to beach parties to meet more guys, but I knew that wasn’t my scene, as tempting as it was! Yes, Loneliness will present you with many temptations to escape the feeling, but do not give in to the enemy’s empty promises. Always remember that you can be alone (without company), but not lonely (sad and dejected as a result of a lack of companionship)- they are two different things! In order to overcome loneliness, you must learn to enjoy your relationship with Jesus, you must really learn it in this season. Engage God, make your devotion-time meaningful. James 4:8 encourages us: “Come close to God and He will come close to you.” God is waiting to come close and He has issued an invitation to you to draw near to Him. We know he is here, because He promised in Deut 31:8 to never leave us nor forsake us and as Psalm 16:11 puts it “In is presence, there is fullness of joy.” Maybe your joy is running on low right now because of the loneliness you’ve been feeling. Well, now we know that we can fill up on joy in God’s presence. That is the cure!
Singleness is not a sign of the future.
Thirdly, singleness is not a sign of the future. On the other hand, it is a call to focus on the present! It can begin to feel like a long wait to the altar, and perhaps, for those who desire to be married, singleness makes you wonder if you will ever be married after all because you have been single for so long. I remember wondering even out loud, when and if I would ever get married. Eventually I learnt that my present circumstance or state does not determine my future. Every Child of God carries within them the hope of better things to come in this life and the next because we have faith in God to do great and mighty things! “We walk by faith and not by sight! (2 Corinthians 5:7) This is not to say, God is a genie who grants all our wishes, but we know we can trust Him to do what is absolutely best for us.
During my journey of singleness I learnt a valuable principle that gave me hope each and every day. It is found in Psalm 37:4 and it says :Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” As I began to spend time intentional, quality time with God, my own desires began to change from what I selfishly wanted to what He wanted for me because I wanted more than anything to please Him.” This is important to remember. As a single person, make enjoying God a priority each and every day and you will find yourself in a future that is better than you had even imagined. You will also be surprised at how differently it turned out, but one thing is certain, if you delight yourself in the Lord, it will be a future that you are prepared for. Be present in this moment by delighting in God every day so that He can prepare you for the beautiful life that He has planned for you.
Singleness is not your spiritual identity.
Finally, Singleness is not your spiritual identity. What do I mean? It is easy to forget that there is more to life than what we can see and feel. We live in this world; however, there is also a spiritual reality. We must be careful not to let society shape us into its image, and as a single person, there are many expectations that this world tries to imprint on us- you must have this career, drive a certain car, achieve this and that, move out by this age or move in with someone, have a boyfriend or girlfriend, have a child by such an age, attain a certain level of education and get married by a certain age. Singleness can be pressuring! It is easy to get caught up trying to become who society says you are while forgetting who God says you are! To God, you are not his “Single Son” or “Single Daughter”, you are his Child, no matter the position, and even more beautifully, as a part of the body of Christ, you are His bride! Revelation 19:7-9 paints a beautiful picture of the marriage of the Lamb and the Bride. Verse 9 says: And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, f“These are the true words of God.” Additionally, Ephesians chapter 2 helps us understand who we are in Christ- more than being single or married, we are the saints of God and God’s children. So, Dear listener, let us not conform to the world’s ideas of who we are but let us be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
Let us pray:
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for making us more than a definition. Thank you for making us your children. As your children Lord, you have called us into an inheritance which is much greater than any circumstance we are in-single or married. Help us to focus on you and not to give our worship over to anything else. Please help the listeners who are embracing singleness while preparing for marriage to understand their identity in Christ and to delight themselves in you. I ask you Lord to speak to their hearts that they might find fullness of joy in your presence and find hope for the future as they study your Holy Scriptures. In Jesus name, amen.
Share your thoughts with me. I’d love to know your thoughts. Toodles.
Dwania Duhaney Millen 