Are there Really No Good Men in Church?

by Dwania Duhaney-Millen

It is not uncommon to hear women in the church say good men are in short supply. Sadly, many of these Christian women believe they will never be able to find a good husband inside the church. Giving me feedback on one live discussion I hosted with two of my younger friends, one older woman commented: “Mi old, and mi nuh si nobody!” (I am old, and I am not seeing anyone suitable.) I can relate. I believe I was about 19 years old when I sat down with one of my Pastors and asked him: “Sir, where are all the good men? It doesn’t seem there are any good men in church.” I can remember the conversation, because at the time I was looking around me but was not seeing anybody I considered suitable or desirable. It was daunting! Thankfully, my perspective has changed. Some women say this too because they have heard horror stories of women who ended up dealing with abuse at the hands of men in the church, so there is a deep-seated fear that some women have. The truth however that it is not as bad as it looks, and it might require a change in perspective.

Here are 4 points to consider about why you might believe there is a shortage of good men in the church.

You are thinking locally, not Kingdom.

When many women say  there are no good men in church, they are making specific reference to their local church or denomination. They are really speaking of the few men they see on Sunday mornings or the hundreds or more who might attend a national church conference held by their denomination. From these groups, they have not seen anyone in whom they are interested, and so the line that follows is: “There are no good men in church!” The problem is the narrow perspective of church. The church is bigger than your local meeting place. God does not see the church as just one gathering or denomination. (see Matt. 4:23) We are a part of the Kingdom of God. God has his people all across the globe worshipping Him and loving Him. There are godly men in churches throughout the Kingdom of God, so do not allow yourself to be limited by just who you seeing your local assembly. As a matter of fact, I would encourage you to stop looking around and leave the searching to God. 

He doesn’t look “perfect” for you. 

Some women are looking for a specific type of guy with certain qualifications and achievements before he can be deemed suitable. The guy they wish to be with must dress a certain way, have a certain amount of money, have a certain level of education and drive a specific type of vehicle. In other words, the man must meet their list. There is a man of their own making who they cannot see anywhere because well…that man lives in their mind. In my previous post , I point out the differences between both types of men. What many women want is a good man who goes to church, but they do not see the godly man. Perhaps he does not look like the man you desire. Maybe he is not flashy enough, or he doesn’t quite fit in with the after-church hangout crew, so you ignore him and think he is not suitable. While you are trying to discern who is suitable or not, I would encourage you to remember that it is God who determines suitability. It is dangerous to try to do God’s job.  

Your local church doesn’t attract men. 

It could also be that your local church does not attract men. In many churches today, there is an influx of women, but there are very few men. The mandate of the church should be to mature the believers- men, women and children. In my experience of church, while there might be a few strong men around, women make up the majority of the population. Some wives go to church and take the children while the men stay home. There might be some teen boys and a few millennials who leave as soon as they go off to university. There is no targeted message for men and not much for them to do. Unfortunately, in some churches prayer is feminized while the men play to music. Praise and worship is feminized while the men are only allowed to preach or pass the communion plate. The essentials of the Christian faith are given to specific genders, and resultantly, some men feel that there is not much to do in church. Consequently, many churches have more women than men, and when you get tired of seeing so many broad hats on a Sunday morning and very few jackets, you will surely say, “There are no good men in church”. That is why your perspective of church must be bigger than just your local church. It must be a Kingdom perspective. There are Kingdom men waiting in the wings for a godly wife. Could that be you? 

Trust Issues

Many women who talk about the shortage of good men in church are looking for a husband. In fact, they are on the hunt for a relationship. It is good to desire a godly relationship as long as one remembers that your primary focus should be on your relationship with God. In chapter 2 of my book Not a Single Shade of Grey, I discuss the need for single women themselves to have complete faith and trust in God in choosing a partner for you because you could find yourself distracted otherwise and falling into ungodly cycles. At the basis of every woman’s hunt for a relationship is an issue of trusting God. Spending time to determine a man’s suitability for you and the worry that comes with seeing this “shortage of men” is as a result of fractured faith, meaning the reliance on God is weak. Leave the search for a good man to God who sees the hearts and let him determine who and what is best for you. He has his sons in the Kingdom. All you need to do is trust God and grow in godliness, and in the right time, he will present a blessing for you.

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