by Dwania Duhaney-Millen
In the recent “Red Flag Rage” that swept through social media, many people shared their perspectives on things that they considered red flags in a relationship. The posts ranged from serious to hilarious.
In reality, however, red flags are serious signs that every person should pay close attention to before pursuing a deeper relationship. In my previous post Danger! Six of the Most Shocking Red Flags Women Need to be Aware of before saying I DO (Part 1) I shared six serious signs that women need to pay attention to before saying yes to a serious relationship. I had promised to share some more insight into the topic, so in today’s post, I will share with you four more red flags that will indicate that this relationship is probably going to hit a wall or worse and what to do after seeing a red flag.
- Pressure for Sex
As Christians, we are commanded in scripture to be sexually pure. 1 Thessalonians 4_3-8 clearly tells us to abstain form sexual immorality and to control our bodies. In your relationship, the pressure from your partner for sexual interaction outside of marriage is a major red flag because it indicates a couple important things: It indicates the ignorance of or disregard for God’s Word, it shows a lack of self control, and finally, it is a clear disregard for your honor as a woman and one who is God’s daughter. The red flag should go up when a man begins to turn on pressure for sex. The common line is: “If you loved me, you would let me get a piece.” Yes, “a piece”. I know it sounds vile, but this objectification of the female body is also an indication of an ungodly man’s heart towards you. Whatever the expression, a man who is not willing to wait and who is not willing to honor you by marrying you is not worthy of your time. This same lack of control that a man demonstrates in his inability to wait for sexual pleasure outside of marriage is the same lack of control that is present even inside the marital relationship because at the root of it is the love of instant gratification and the inability to control his desire. A godly man will honor you and will wait in obedience to God and with respect for your body, care for your soul and protection for your spirit. A ring will not solve the problems in a man’s soul. Let him wait because you are worth it.
2. Questionable Spending habits
While dating, it is important to keep your eyes and ears open. It is the best time to learn the art of observation. Watch keenly how a man conducts himself especially in the areas of money and power. What is his source of income and what does he use that money to do? A man who has a habit of begging but who wakes up and buys a luxury car should send a million red flags your way as well as a millionaire who refuses to buy a good shirt. On the other side of the issue is a person who earns an average income from a regular job but who invests or spends recklessly, who never speaks of saving, who is a spendthrift or who squanders money on unnecessary things. If poor spending habits do not send up red flags now, perhaps it will when your finances are in the red or when your bank account is empty while the children need food to eat or the mortgage needs to be paid. Every man won’t have top-class financial management skills, but common money sense should be at work if even to save enough to buy a ring and pay the bills, not buy another gold tooth. The fool and his money are soon parted. Proverbs 21:20 says “Precious treasure and oil are in a wise man’s dwelling, but a foolish man devours it.” Watch out!
3. A Lack of Humility
Christian Evangelist Leonard Ravenhill was the one who said “The self-righteous never apologize.” One red flag that often goes ignored is an inability to say “I am sorry.” Some men perceive this as “being soft” and will go to no ends to avoid an apology. Their ego overrides their humility. Pride takes precedence over the relationship in this case because he would rather your feelings be hurt than take responsibility for his actions. Psychotherapist Beverly Engel explains in her blog post that a failure to apologize might be a matter of pride, a sign of weakness, fear of shame, the fear of consequences or even a lack of awareness. The Bible points out that pride is the only thing that brings contention (Proverbs 13:10). A lack of humility is dangerous in a relationship because it is a direct relation to the spirit of pride. Manifesting in a marriage, pride can lead to unresolved conflicts, deep hurts and scars, emotional manipulation and unforgiveness. These can cause the home to become a toxic environment and can destroy a marriage. Sulking, pettiness, the inability to apologize and manipulative ways of avoiding important conversations and confrontations are red flags that should stop you in your tracks.
4. The Green Angry Monster
I like to call this one the “Green Angry Monster” because this one reminds me of the Marvel character Hulk. This red flag refers to uncontrollable anger. Many women mistake this for a green flag thinking the outrage and destruction that results from indiscretions or disagreements is an indication of the vehemence of his love. “Warrior Love” perhaps? In actuality, it is a manifestation of unregulated emotions and a level of anger that could undoubtedly lead to pain or even death. Quarrels or disagreements in a relationship are a good place for one to listen to what is in the heart of a person, because when some people get angry they spill the things inside their heart, but people who are emotionally intelligent, wise and regulated are mindful of their words and actions even when they are angry. Scripture points out that “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. (Matthew 12:34) A powerful person can control his emotions. Proverbs 16:32 states “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” You can know a weak man when he loses his temper at every whim or loses control when he gets angry. If a disagreement causes him to say things to deliberately hurt you or break you down, if an argument causes him to run his fist though the wall and throw objects around the room, run as far away as you possibly can. Love does not require you to put your life and emotions in danger!
Here are some closing words to remind you that you have hope on this journey. You are not alone. Some rules of the track can be used to remind you of how to go through this single journey, even after spotting the red flags in your dating relationship.
Rules
OBEY THE RACE OFFICIAL.
First of all, God is your race official. He is the one who raises the red flag for you. In Psalm 32:8, the Lord says ” I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go; I will give you counsel and watch over you.” The holy Spirit in you will give you warning signals. After all, the Holy Spirit is your Counselor. (John 14: 26) Do not ignore the things that make you uncomfortable. Many of them are listed in these last two blog posts because they indicate behaviors that directly contravene the Word of God; however, there are others, and your race official (the Holy Spirit) will bring them to your attention. The comfort in this is knowing that God is with you and for you in this journey. His warning signs are not to deter you from happiness but instead to protect you from heartbreak and misery. He wants to guide you on the journey.
SUSPEND THE RACE.
In Formula 1, the red flag means “the season is suspended”. This means that the race has come to an end. For you it means, quit the pursuit of this relationship. It is the end of this relationship. In my own life, I have practiced this. Not to call myself a heartbreaker, but I once ended a relationship after a threat to tell me a few choice words. Zilch. Nada. Done. I ended another one after one lie- the first lie was the last lie. OI left so fast, his head spun! I was ruthless with my standards! You should also be, because you deserve the best, and not amount of lovingkindness on your part can change a man- that is the Lord’s work, and you are not God, so get out!
DO NOT MOVE FROM THE CAR.
The Formula 1 handbook explains that the driver must not move from the car. What does this mean for you? It means the season might be suspended, but racing continues. After a red flag is hoisted, the race is suspended but there is a chance it will be restarted after the track has been cleared and any rubble removed. Many single women are so devastated after the end of one relationship that they quit the entire journey and decide to remain single forever. For them “Men are dogs!” becomes the talk of the day. These women have had their hope deferred and their hearts are broken (Proverbs 13:12). But God does not want you to lose faith in his ability to direct you to a blessed relationship and beautiful god-honouring marriage because one leg of your journey came to an end. Do not give up on true love because of one heartbreak. Have faith in God!
DO NOT REMOVE YOUR HARNESS.
In Formula 1 driving, drivers are strapped into the cockpit by a six or seven point harness, similar to that found in a fighter jet. The harness allows them just enough freedom of movement to be able to steer and reach the various switches and buttons in their field of vision. The Word of God is re harness for every believer. 2 Timothy 3:16 explains the usefulness of the Word of God. It says “All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for instruction, for instruction, for conviction, for correction, and for training in righteousness.” Which driver doesn’t need these thing to make sure he is making the right decisions? As you navigate the dating world, it is important that you are strapped in by your harness which is the Word of God. It protects you and gives you the wisdom you need as you navigate the raceway of relationships. The scriptures serve as your straps that secure you and protect you. You must read your Bible and study it so that you can have wisdom to make wise choices.
DO NOT TAKE OFF YOUR HELMET!
Finally, the F1 rules state this final rule: Do not take off your helmet! As we would say in the dating world, do not lose your head! After the red flag has gone up, it can result in heartbreak and disappointment for those who either crashed or who were hoping to continue the race. The instruction to keep your helmet on parallels the Lord’s instruction to “wear the helmet of salvation” (Ephesians 6:17). As a part of your suit, your helmet protects your head from injury. In the spiritual battles, it is easy for your mind to come under attack. You must remember above all else that you are saved. While you are on the track, keep your helmet on- remember who you are and whose you are and that your Father is a deliverer and provider, and He has good plans for you. No matter what disappointment comes, God’s got you!
Thank you for reading today’s blog post. I would like to hear from you. Comment below, click like or share. Much love!
My new book Not a Single Shade of Grey becomes available in December 2021! Don’t miss out! Follow me on IG @only1dwania for updates and the all promotional activities! See you soon!
Dwania Duhaney Millen 