Danger! Six of the Most Shocking Red Flags Women Need to be Aware of before saying I DO (Part 1)

by Dwania Duhaney-Millen

I have been seeing a lot of red recently, and it’s not just because it is nearing Christmas. ‘Tis the season for red, because there is a sudden preoccupation with red flags, and Write Lead Inspire thought to hook the sisters up with the real truth about red flags in relationships. Let’s go to the races!

When I was a child, my father, brother and I used to visit the Dover Raceway in St. Ann, Jamaica, to watch the races. As a child, I became aware of the importance of symbols and signs while cars were speeding on the track, and I saw that the different flags helped the drivers to make important decisions behind the wheel. One of those flags is the red flag. According to the Word Racing League, the red flag in  racing means: “Stop! Bring the car to a quick but safe stop on either side of the paved surface. Wait there for directions from a worker or official, do not exit the car, do not remove your harness or helmet etc.”  Like those drivers, we are all steering our way and speeding along hoping to arrive at our destinations successfully, and along the road, some flags will be presented before us. As you make your journey to the finished line, please do not ignore the red flags on the way. Here are eight red flags that every single woman should pay attention to as they speed into commitment.

1. A Controlling Attitude

You cannot go here. You cannot go there. You cannot go anywhere! That is, unless he says so. You cannot wear this. You cannot say this. You cannot pay this! That is, unless he says so. 

You cannot hang out…You get the idea. One of the biggest brightest red flags of any relationship is a controlling attitude. This might present itself in some succinct ways. For example, it might disguise itself as genuine concern for you, but the problem is that you find yourself becoming nothing but a marionette, but you are not pinocchio. You shouldn’t have to run away to find out that you are a real girl, and your strings should not have to be cut from a man for you to be free to express yourself and live the life that God has planned for you.

The only string that should control you is your direct line to God, and that is prayer.

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A controlling man might give you the ultimatum to change yourself in order to feel loved. He might ask you to grow your hair longer to look “prettier” or cut it shorter, to wear different clothes so you can look “better” , and he might hint at threats if you do not conform to his rules and expectations. In the process, this diminishes your self-esteem causing you to feel unworthy of love just as you are,  and it might make you feel that this guy is the only one in the world who will love you now that you have morphed into the person he wants you to be. You shouldn’t have to lose yourself in order to find love from a man. 

You shouldn’t have to lose yourself to find love from a man.

2. Talking Down to You

Condescending remarks even in the form of jokes is another red flag in relationships. I recently watched an interview on The Alrick Show with one woman who remarked that one night while home watching television, her spouse jokingly asked her when she was going to give birth as an indication that her belly was big and she needed to lose weight. It was a hurtful remark. The Bible tells us in Matthew 12:34 that “From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”. What a man says to you during courtship is a strong indicator of what his thoughts are about you. A man who disrespects you, your body, your intellect and your identity by saying harsh words to you, cursing you or calling you names does not care about you. You are not emotionally safe with that person. Your feelings are not a toy. You shouldn’t have to feel small for a man to communicate his feelings towards you. When you know that you are valued, the very hint of disrespect causes the flag to go up. No, you are not “being too sensitive”, you are being hurt, and you need to remove yourself from that situation. 

A man who disrespects you, your body, your intellect and your identity by saying harsh words to you, cursing you or calling you names does not care about you.

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3. Isolating you from Family

In one interview with Renee Fowler Hornbuckle on The Dear Future Wifey Podcast, she explained how her then husband slowly isolated her from her five sisters and mother. He would ask the question: “Do you really need to talk to them quite as much?” until she went months without talking to her family. She explains that the expectation was for her to be there for him and him alone. The point is that God made you alone, but he never intended for you to feel lonely. God puts the lonely in families (Psalm 68:6), so family is God’s plan to help you overcome the loneliness you might face throughout your life. Therefore, all attempts to isolate you from family becomes a red flag because the isolation from family can give him the opportunity to inflict some kind of abuse that your own family would never accept nor allow you to tolerate. There is never a good reason for a man to tell you to toss your family aside.

4. Lying and Hiding

Healthline.com defines gaslighting as “a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive relationships. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity”. This occurs in relationships when the person denies what you are questioning and makes you feel crazy about your speculations. Lying about simple or major things and hiding important information or even secrets is a red flag if there ever was one because many women end up being victims of gaslighting only to discover they had been right all along. Many women think it is fun to be searching a man’s phone or for both parties to have some game of hide-and-seek going on in the relationship, but all it is is a sign of broken trust. One of my earliest decisions in relationships was that I would never tolerate a man who lies. Personally, a lie would kill a relationship instantaneously because I learnt that trust takes years to build, but it is as fragile as glass. Once dropped, it is sure to break. There is no gorilla glue for broken trust. Imagine being married to a liar. This is a definite route to heartbreak and devastation. 

I learnt that trust takes years to build, but it is as fragile as glass. Once dropped, it is sure to break. There is no gorilla glue for broken trust.

Dwania

5. Comparing you to his Ex

If a man truly loves you, all the other girls fade into the background. It is not that he doesn’t see them around, but he chooses you above all of them, so there is no room to compare. He loves you flaws and all and will never put you down whilst elevating another person’s attributes above your own. He should not be saying, for example: “That’s why I liked Shenegua. She never wore her hair like that.” or “That’s why Danielle and I used to get along because she understood me!” Well, as Fantasia says, “Go ahead and free yourself!” The issue with this is that this guy has not healed from the past broken relationship. His body is here with you but his mind is stuck in the past. The trouble comes later on when there are issues in the relationship and he begins to reminisce on his time Keisha with her dry head and confused Danielle who would accept his low standards. (Whew girrrl!) Naturally, he begins to pine for either of them. Don’t pass it off as “He just wants me to love him like they could.” You are not anybody else, and the issues cannot be worked out by wishing you would change into someone you are not. 

6. Questionable views about God

During your relationship, it is important to get to understand every aspect of the other person’s life: What do you like and dislike?  How do you handle your emotions? What do you do with your money, and of course the final but so essential, what are your spiritual beliefs? In other words, what are your views about God? For a Christian single woman, one serious red flag is a man who is unsettled in his beliefs about God or who has contradicting views of God that are laid out in scripture, because this leads to heresy, and a life built on a shaky moral foundation can lead to disastrous consequences. To find yourself married to a man that has a twisted view of God or who worships some other Jesus than the one you worship is bound to create problems in your relationship. During courtship, you need to find out what exactly his beliefs are, so if he says “I am a Christian, but I believe God is the Universe and that he wants me to manifest blessing by channeling the right energy, saying chakras and burning incense” then you know you are not on the same page spiritually. The consequences of ignoring this red flag begins to manifest when both parties find themselves wanting to go into opposite directions spiritually as a married couple, and this can have devastating effects on the family unit.  

The FIA explains that in Formula 1 racing the red flag indicates that “the circuit is blocked by an accident or weather conditions make it dangerous to continue.” I therefore ask you, do you want to ignore the red flags to continue speeding into a relationship that guarantees that you will crash and burn? In your relationship, what do the weather conditions look like for you. Think about it.

Stay tuned for part 2! The race continues tomorrow!

Hey there! I am so excited to announce that my new book comes out in December 2021! Packed with solid content for you on your single journey! It is a must have on your book shelf. I hope you are as excited as a I am!