by Dwania Duhaney-Millen
Dear Diary,
I’m in heaven. I took Dave out to dinner last night, and we cuddled in the car for a bit. I’m happy because he cleared his schedule for me. Of course, he wanted to go further, but I told him I wasn’t ready yet although I felt like giving in. Every time this happens, we end up in an argument, but last night I think he took it easy because he didn’t want to ruin the date. We ate at the new restaurant in Ocho Rios, and he took me home before curfew. I think he loves me, although he never says it. He says he doesn’t have to say it to prove he loves me. I guess it’s in the way he looks at me and stares into my eyes and caresses my hair. He makes me laugh and feel special.
We just can’t agree on this one thing of me not wanting to have sex before marriage. “He has needs,” he says, but I find it so hard to go that far, especially when I don’t know how serious this relationship is. We have been dating for over 5 months now, and he thinks it should be about that time, but isn’t sex before marriage a sin? I am sure there is a scripture somewhere about that. I heard my pastor say that and my mom is constantly talking about how “some girls are going to hell with their legs wide open”. I really don’t want to be that girl.
It’s been 11 years since I’ve been going to church now, and I just can’t wrap my mind around how these church women made it through their 20s without making a mess of their lives. I see all these women, Sis. Karmen, Sis. Wiscott, Sis. Brenda and their husbands. I see the ones in their 30’s now serving God and they look so happy although they are not married, and I never hear them complaining. Yet, I have it so hard, because here I am at 23 and I feel like I am failing God at every turn. I am on the praise and worship team, and I teach Sunday School, but I feel like I am missing something sometimes. I love God. It’s just that I love Dave too. I think Dave is the one for me. I prayed and prayed for this relationship. Here is a guy who gets me, when so many other people don’t.
He understands me. He understands my mind, and he likes how I think. We can reason out things together, so we talk a lot about history and since he is a medical student, we can talk about Covid-19 and all the latest science stuff. He is smart. It’s just that sometimes our values are different and that isn’t clear for me. Like for his last birthday I took him to have lunch at a hotel, and then we went to the beach together. I didn’t want to go to the beach because I felt that was dangerous territory. I was a little uncomfortable because he wanted to do more than I had bargained for, so that ended up with us having an argument right there on the beach and he told me that “If you love me, you wouldn’t ruin my birthday like this!” He says I am boring and sometimes calls me “boring girl” for fun, but it hurts. I am still trying to forgive him for the time I found a text message on his phone from a girl named “InstaGirl”. I asked him who she was and he told me she delivered fast food to the university students on campus. He said because it was quick service they all called her “InstaGirl”, but that picture and that “hey baby” message caused my blood pressure to go up. He still thinks I am being stupid about it.
Anyway, the last time I prayed about this relationship, I didn’t hear anything from God. I didn’t hear a yes but I didn’t hear a no. I just started feeling annoyed when Dave would text me asking: ”What are you wearing?” Ugh! Then, I was talking to my friend Joelle and she kept going on and on about a passage she read in James 1. My mind told me to check it out for myself and when I got to James 1:8, it read: “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” I don’t know why but that verse keeps bothering me. I looked up the meaning of “double-minded” and on christianpost.com it said “A double-minded believer is someone who is constantly living in a state of compromise. A half of you lives for God, while the other half lives for your bad habit.” It makes me wonder if I am really fully living for God or for myself. It makes me take a good look at myself these days. Then, on Sunday my pastor preached a sermon on double-mindedness. I feel heavily convicted about this. I don’t want to be that way. I never saw myself like this.
“A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” James 1:8
I told my mom a little about Dave, and my mom thinks he is “a nice boy”, but my dad doesn’t even want to hear about any “boyfriend business” until I finish college *rolls eyes. I’m not sure I want my friends and family to meet him though because…well…he is not like everybody else. He doesn’t go to church, doesn’t walk around quoting scripture or anything. He believes in “the Universe”. Imagine him having a talk with my dad about “the Universe”. OMG! That would be a big bang! Anyway, our number one problem right now is that I feel pressured for sex, and he can’t understand no matter how much I explain to him that when I think about that I feel like I am doing something wrong because I want to get married first. He thinks I am being ridiculous!
Can I give a man sex just to make this relationship work? How long can I do that for? Sigh. I don’t even know if I am really happy. He buys me nice things. He smells nice. He looks good and he is bright. I just wonder if I can keep God and keep Dave. I feel more and more that one will have to go, but if I lose God, who will I become? Does that even matter, if Dave keeps me happy?
*Yamabella, according to jamaicanpatwah.com, translates to “a silly female” and means “A woman who is publicly being made a fool by their significant other.” Christiana “Yamabella” David is a figurative character.
Follow Christiana’s journey over the coming weeks as she walks through her own journey of singleness. Feel free to comment below to give Christiana advice as she tries to make a decision.
Dwania Duhaney Millen 