by Dwania Duhaney-Millen
I get it. You are single, and in today’s world that can seem like a curse. At games night among your group of friends you are the only one who doesn’t have a date. When you go to family gatherings, your grandma whispers in your ear and asks you when you’re going to get her to eat some wedding cake. At your niece’s birthday party you stand in the corner sipping your bottle of pineapple soda watching all the other couples chilling and making memories. You smile, but all you want to do is make up an excuse to go home to your cat, Mr. Whiskers (or dog, but I’m a cat person). You wish you didn’t feel so lonely, but the pangs of loneliness sometimes come creeping up on you in the midst of the most festive occasions. Guilt overtakes you when you think about the fact that you should know that Jesus is closer than a brother. Really, you don’t want a brother. Is a man yuh want! Here is how you can conquer your feelings of loneliness in the single season.
Recognize who you’re dealing with!
If Mr. Lonely was a person, he would be a tall, grey haired outgoing man full of personality who talks a lot. He turns up at every event you attend and sits beside you holding your hand. He goes with you to the supermarket. He even attends church conventions in his best suit and tie, and at home he likes to hang out in your room. In fact, for some women he seems to have moved in uninvited, and he even has his own refrigerator! He is handsome but annoying! You must understand that loneliness is an uninvited guest, and it is up to you to kick him out of your space. Understanding this is key to overcoming loneliness. Some women have made loneliness welcome because it keeps them company. “It’s just me and my Mr. Lonely,” they say. The truth is however, God never intended for anyone else to take up space in your life apart from Him. God wants to be your constant companion, but as long as you have invited Mr. Lonely to the party or have given him a room for him to stay, God cannot come in. Like any other spirit that takes the place of God, loneliness must be resisted because it wants to take space that doesn’t belong to him, and all he whispers are lies. He tries to contradict God’s promise to you: “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Loneliness says: “Nobody loves you, but I am here to stay.” That is a lie. It’s time to drive loneliness away and lock the door! This is where you resist those thoughts by “casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Know the difference between Alone and Lonely.
Secondly, you just understand the difference between “lonely” and “alone”. When I visit my dentist, although my brother or a friend might accompany me to the office, I am the only one who sits in the dentist’s chair. I am alone in that space, but I am not lonely when I visit because I know I have a companion on the visit. While my dentist does her work, I know I have someone waiting for me on the other side of the door expecting me to come out. Had that friend not been there, my visit to the dentist could have felt like a hard, fear-inducing task. I went in alone, but I was not lonely. Similarly, while you are not in a relationship, you are alone meaning single, an individual, just as how God made you. Being alone is normal. You were born alone. Even twins came out of their mother’s womb one at a time! To be alone means “having no one else present” but lonely means to be “sad because one has no friends or company”. It is to despise being alone and yearn for someone to fill that space. Jesus is in the journey with you all the way. To overcome loneliness, you must understand the semantics: I am alone, but I am not a lonely woman since Jesus is with me. Hold on to God’s promise in Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I am alone, but I am not a lonely woman since Jesus is with me!
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Make God your companion.
Loneliness tells you lies, but God whispers truth. He is the companion that you need. Learn to take Jesus with you in everything you do. I love watching standup comedy. From time to time, they might be doing a comedy set only to hear a heckler in the background shouting out a few comebacks. Remember Mr. Lonely? That’s him trying to make you feel ashamed. Well, I know someone who could give him a punch straight to the gut, cheer you on and come to your defense at the same time. He sits in the crowd watching your set. He is smiling, listening and gazing intently at you. He slaps his knee and bursts out laughing at one of your jokes about the children at your nieces birthday party you attended. Suddenly, your heckler yells out something nasty again, but you keep going on because your best friend is in the crowd. You stare at him while you do your set and he keeps nodding his approval: “I’m with you,” he says. Pretty soon, the heckler gets up and leaves with his entourage (fear, disappointment and rage) because you have ignored him, and you are just tearing down the place being your fabulous self. If you keep taking Jesus with you, loneliness won’t come around. Make Jesus your best friend, take him to the parties, take him while hanging out with friends, while at home, church or school and loneliness will walk out the door. He hates Jesus! Like poison (as my Jamaican sisters would say). Psalm 18:2 says “The Lord is my protector; he is my strong fortress. My God is my protection, and with him I am safe. He protects me like a shield; he defends me and keeps me safe.”
Learn to enjoy your own company.
Not only do you need to kick loneliness out of the house and make Jesus your close companion, but learn to be your own best friend. This is not an invitation to isolate from friends, but this is an invitation to learn to love being alone with you. You are important to you. Consider this an invitation to your own life! “Welcome to yourself!” What will you find? Who are you? Would you like yourself? Well, do you? Some people do not like to be alone because they simply don’t know how to be themselves nor how to sit with themselves and enjoy it. That is essential though if you are going to make it through marriage. While you are single, it is time to learn how to sit with yourself and enjoy your own company. Learn how to love yourself and make your life welcoming to you! This takes as much time as learning to enjoy anyone else, so before you know it, you’ll be busy loving you.
While you are single, it is time to learn how to sit with yourself and enjoy your own company. Learn how to love yourself and make your life welcoming to you!
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Enjoy who’s already here!
Perhaps not having a man is not the real issue. Quite possibly, you are feeling so lonely because of the absence of some other kind of affection. It might also be that you are surrounded by people but not learning to enjoy them. Maybe your family is difficult to deal with or your siblings are super annoying. Well, one way of overcoming loneliness in this season is to enjoy the people around you. Perhaps you need to find godly people: make new godly friends who will encourage you. Take that annoying brother or sister out or do something together that you will both enjoy. Do something nice for your father or mother, or spend some time with your inquisitive but well-meaning granny who loves you and let her teach you a thing or two in the garden. The point is, get rid of loneliness by enjoying the people you already do have. Soak in good company. Spend less or no time longing for the people you don’t have and enjoy the people you already do!
Spend less or no time longing for the people you don’t have and enjoy the people you already do!
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Create an interesting life.
Finally, while you are pining away and praying for that man to appear, you need to understand that he won’t be a dead man. He is someone with interests, time and talent. If you spend time focusing on your lonely little self, life will pass you by and so will that interesting energetic man when he comes along. What you need to do is to build an interesting life while you wait. Do stuff. Create things. Find a hobby that you can dig your heels into and that brings you joy. In other words, be interesting!
Prayer: Lord Jesus, thank you for setting me free from loneliness. I thank you for filling my life with your love and presence. Help me to remember that you created me individually with a special purpose and that you are my companion throughout life. You are always with me. Amen!
Thank you for reading. Share your thoughts. I would love to hear from you! Subscribe to get the latest from my blog. See you in the next post! Nuff love. 🙂
Dwania Duhaney Millen 